Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a clear, organized post, this is not it. This is pretty much stream of consciousness.
For starters, I’ve been meaning to write this post for the past two weeks. Longer, if you count me wanting to recap February via Things I’m Thinking post, and feeling daunted by the thought, and now it’s March 27 and tomorrow I will have been in London for eleven months. Eleven months. Ridiculous.
I got a haircut, and then I got another one. Had enough hair left after the first to cut some more off without going above my jaw, which is my upper limit. First haircut came with a bit of a copper dye; second came with a lighter brown dye. Both photos on this post are from the day I got the second one, March 19, at the L’Oréal building in Hammersmith. The first cut was for a hair seminar in Sevenoaks in Kent in late February, with Debbie G. It was a really enjoyable experience, which is why I picked up another hair seminar gig. Early start, train to Kent, worked alongside lovely models, was watered and fed, looked awesome with my crimped hair.
The second gig wasn’t nearly as fun; there was no food provided and frankly I was close to either throwing up or falling over on the tube back home. I love the haircut I go — from Skyler McDonald of seanhanna — but it would have been nice not to feel sick throughout the day.
Modeling: never assume you’re going to get fed? Never assume anything ever, probably. I mean, the only modeling gig I’ve got fed on besides the hair seminar with Debbie G was the time I worked with Bethany Owen on a boat, and she’s like, a friend who cared about my well-being and whatnot. Also we were on a boat so it wasn’t like I could sneak off to buy snacks.
What else have I done that I can talk about — I shot two events this week. The first one was rather regrettable, the kind of thing where I should have said, “Well, no, I can’t confirm I’ll do it if you won’t even tell me what the fuck it is.” Then it turned out they wanted video, which there was no mention of, and I filmed a bit on my phone because I didn’t want to have spent money on the bus for nothing, and then they went and paid me less than agreed upon. In short, why did I bother.
The second one was lovely, a Hot Hair blogger event organized by Michelle from Thou Shalt Not Covet. It was at the St Pancras Renaissance Hotel, which is gorgeous, and I had fun and didn’t feel underappreciated and got good photos despite the low light, and it was a great palate cleanser even though I overextended myself by taking pictures of stuff, because I can’t resist a night lights shot even though I bleeding suck at them. Then I put too much weight — read: my DSLR — into my paper goodie bag from the event, and everything — read: my DSLR — went flying onto the floor at King’s Cross.
At this point my camera’s taken enough tumbles that I don’t really freak out about it breaking, but it was still an unpleasant sight. I’m just glad it happened in a well-lit tube station instead of on the busy streets in the middle of the night.
This is Putney on March 12, when I went to seanhanna for a quick consultation before the L’Oréal hair seminar. I got there at 9 PM and only stayed for like twenty minutes and they gave me biscuits, which is probably why I didn’t bring snacks with me on March 19. Lulled into a false sense of security. Anyway, we actually talked about me going blonde, and I was a bit scared and excited, and then that didn’t happen. And then at the Hot Hair event yesterday I tried on a platinum blonde wig, and wow I’m so glad I didn’t dye my hair that color.
After that I shopped at Waitrose for the first time in my life and I’ve been meaning to find another Waitrose since then because their pasta is awesome and properly priced. I also still need to buy shampoo. Was kind of looking for a Superdrug for that, because they have better offers than the Boots on Haverstock Hill, which I found out the last time I ran out of shower toiletries before a press screening in Leicester Square. That was a good day. I recently instagrammed the shots I got at the National Portrait Gallery afterwards, when I randomly wandered in there. Scroll to March 9. There’s a Superdrug (and an M&S) in Swiss Cottage, which is pretty much the same distance from my flat as the Budgens and Boots on Haverstock Hill, but I don’t like going in that direction. There are no Waitroses anywhere. I mean, okay, there’s one in the wrong (read: furthest from me) end of Camden Town, and one like a bit further up north in Swiss Cottage but who needs that. I need to get invited to an event or get a photography or modeling gig near a Waitrose, stat.
Or maybe meet someone for coffee? Hot Hair event aside I haven’t met anyone since Rebecca from Bec Boop at the beginning of the month, and I miss it. (Click the blog link to go straight to the post she made with the photos I took!)
I need to organize my blog folders. It’s a disaster right now. These pics are in a folder named Kitties with mostly pictures of my landlady’s cats.
Yes, Tiikeri. Exactly.
I had a great time talking to people yesterday; I’d met Angelica and Jodie (I actually briefly discussed moving in with Jodie!) before, I met some new people I’d talked to on twitter via the hashtag, and I met two girls I’d been wanting to meet for a while — Christine (who I didn’t even expect to see there!) and Barbie. The weekend before I met Rebecca, I had coffee in Camden Town with Laila and Bel, and it was starting to feel like a good habit. I also found out Camden Town is a lot more visually interesting than the main road had led me to believe, though it is crowded as hell all around.
I finished a book I was sent last month, I Was Here by Gayle Forman. I have some artsy pretentious pictures I took of it with a bokeh-ed backdrop of a tube platform when I came back from Putney. I was kind of underwhelmed, but a hopefully short review is upcoming. I want to accompany it with a post about my experience with suicidal ideation, because it’s not something I’ve addressed or blogged about before and I don’t see it often. There was a passage in the book where the main character is pretending to be suicidal on a pro-suicide message board that — I wouldn’t say resonated with me; I didn’t have that proper emotional connection with it — but it was certainly accurate for me. It was pretty much word-for-word things I’ve thought.
And that gives me an excellent segueway to update you on my mental health. The past two weeks have been rough for me. I got excited about a project and, when it didn’t get started right away, it did a number on me. This was at the same time I ran out of sertraline before getting my prescription; I didn’t think quitting an SSRI after only 28 days of treatment would have withdrawal effects. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. (I’m sorry, I had to put that link in there.) Seriously, that was a terrible idea. I wasn’t noticing much of an effect beyond side effects (the nausea subsided, but my sex drive was still squashed, which I really like about SSRIs, actually; that’s another post I want to write) and I was in a tight financial spot and I made the executive decision of switching meds when I went to my appointment on Wednesday.
Well, on Wednesday I couldn’t get out of bed, was ten minutes late, didn’t bundle up properly, started crying in the clinic when the doctor couldn’t see me and it turned out I had to self-refer to counselling again because I’d missed an appointment due to being notified of it after it was over, cried from Fleet Road to Haverstock Hill, started hyperventilating where the road took a turn towards A&E at the Royal Free and very seriously considered going there instead of heading home but didn’t. On Thursday I woke up with a sore throat, which is a telltale sign of a cold for me, but the last couple of times it’s happened, I didn’t come down with anything, so I was hopeful.
Then on Saturday I started feeling proper sick, and on Sunday my nose gave up the ghost. I was sick for that event on Monday, and in fact, when I went home to grab my tripod and head to Camden Lock, I tripped on a storm drain, stumbled for three steps, and fell on my hands. (This is why I took a bus instead of walking there.) At first I thought I’d just got a scrape, and that the fact that the whole right side of my body hurt was due to the cold. Then I tripped again on Wednesday — though I didn’t fall — and realized that was probably the cause. There is also a bruise on my knee I only noticed today, but I no longer feel excruciating pain in my arm when I take off my clothes, so there’s that. I can also breathe. Massive improvements all around. I’m still carrying some anxiety, bad sleep habits (the awake when the sun comes out kind) and lack of appetite, but hopefully it will get better now I’m healthier and, thank all the deities, caught a bit of a financial break. Tiny one, but you know, better.
Last Saturday I also finally googled clinics near me, and there are none closer than the one I signed up at when I lived on Fleet Road literally (okay, not quite literally, but I could rush out of bed and run down without feeling like death later for not having showered and got ready properly) five seconds away from it. But there is a mental health foundation trust ten minutes away, and I got in touch with them. Today they replied to me saying they offer four-session consultations and it sounds like I want ongoing therapy, which would be an issue if I’d ever got anywhere chasing ongoing therapy. Look, four sessions is better than zero. Call me, clinic. Call me. I want new meds too. I’m thinking citalopram. It’s obviously down to my doctor, but I don’t think I stressed my anxiety (no pun intended) enough when I asked my GP for meds last time, and I’m trying not to rely on lorazepam so much. (That’s another post: how lorazepam works for me. It seems it’s a bit different from the effect it has on other people. All in the name of informing, y’all. I take lived experience very seriously.)
Laptop work-wise, the highlights are I finished a media kit I adore for a client I love, and designed a blog that’s tentatively launching on April 1 and I can’t wait to show off. I finally followed the creative process I’d wanted to for ages but been too scared to try — mock-up first, coding later — and it was just an excellent result all around, and far less stressful than I’d predicted.
I also started a new Instagram project after ignoring #wearyourdamnjewelry for a month: #lixunderground. I think I may even bring it onto the blog, because I have tons of camera photos, too, and I’m just strangely attached to the tube. It’s a whole thing.
It’s probably too overdone for me to try and do an actual photography project based around the tube, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it.
tl;dr: Can you guess how many more photos have been added to my ever-growing backlog? Go on, guess. (I don’t have an actual number so I can’t tell you if you’re right, but there are lots.)
These days I run sales arbitrarily every three or four months and every one is different, so if this appeals to you, go for it because it’s probably not happening again. You’re welcome.