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Mental Health

The Evolution of My Eyebrows: Trichotillomania As Told By Selfies

posted on December 15, 2013

I’m surprised I haven’t talked about this before, but one of my mental health issues is trichotillomania. Trichotillomania is defined as the compulsive urge to pull out one’s own hair. Not the hyperbolic, “oh my god, this is so frustrating it’s making me want to tear my hair out” type, but like, literally. You pull it out with your bare hands.

My trichotillomania started fully in 2008, but the first hints of it were in 2007, around November. That’s the first time I remember tugging at my eyebrows with my fingers in a compulsive, pointless, emotion-ridden way, and coming out of it with a tuft of discarded eyebrow hairs on my Moleskine journal.

It wasn’t particularly noticeable that I was doing it because I didn’t go that far and my eyebrows hadn’t been particularly nice before then. That’s what drove me to pull them out specifically and not the hair on my head or anything else. I’d always had issues with my eyebrows. For a long time, I resented my mom and blamed her for my trich; whenever I told her I hated my eyebrows as a teenager, she said, “They’re fine,” and didn’t do anything to help me like them, or help me make them into eyebrows I’d like.

You see, I don’t have useful instincts when it comes to beauty. There are all these rules and they make no sense and I need someone to guide me. I needed someone to say, “Your eyebrows are fine, but here’s a pair of tweezers and this is how you use them.” I didn’t start shaping my own eyebrows with tweezers (and care and purpose) until a good two years after my trichotillomania solidified into a proper disorder.

(I’d like to take a moment here to be relieved that my similar ignorance and lack of instinct about hair care and split ends didn’t lead to a trichotillomania outbreak on the hair on my head. I guess people online complimented my hair frequently enough to keep that from happening. Thanks, people online.)

Over the past year I’ve come to realize that the reason I don’t have any useful instincts when it comes to beauty is that nothing about beauty is instinctive. It’s all society-based, and it’s society forcing unnatural conventions on people. It’s my borderline Asperger’s getting in my way again — or rather getting in the way of me adhering to society’s rules without question.

2008-06-lix-shrug

That seemed like a good time to break out this picture. June of 2008. See? Still got eyebrows. I do in July, too:

2008-07-lix-oxford

But I think that’s a turning point of sorts. I remember being so, so conscious of my eyebrows when I was in Oxford. On the bus back from London, I remember there was a group of teenagers a few rows in front of me and they seemed to be whispering about something and I kept wondering — I’m sure I had a reason for the self-centeredness here, other than paranoia — if they were talking about my weird shapeless ugly eyebrows. Or if they were talking about how hot I was. Seriously, it could have been anything! Including any of those two things. I am a very strange person, and my self-esteem is also very strange. Multifaceted abnormal, as Lorelai Gilmore would say.

June 2009

June 2009

And then the eyebrows went.

September 2009

September 2009

Once I dropped out of college, I stopped having a reason to go anywhere, so it was like, well, I have no eyebrows, but no one’s going to see me, so who cares? I did occasionally go to the library, but that was about it.

April 2010

April 2010

June 2010

June 2010

October 2010

October 2010. This haircut reminded me of Annie Edison from Community sometimes.

It was around December 2009 or 2010 that I found out my habit of pulling out my eyebrows had a name, and it was called trichotillomania. I mentioned it in a yuletide (the small fandom fic exchange) chat, and someone said it was called that. This is also how I learned the thing my fingers and toes do when they’re cold where they go white and purple also has a name: Raynaud’s syndrome. But that’s a different story.

I don’t know what kickstarted my decision to really fight my trich. Maybe it was the tweezers, or maybe it was the fact that I always felt really terrible and dirty after I pulled out too many eyebrows. It’s a weird state of mind; you start and you can’t stop, and you get hair and skin bits on your glasses and then you feel all kinds of odd.

I usually got — get — triggered by idle hands. I think giving up on writing regularly did wonders for me. Writing uses your hands, sure, but when you’re not particularly “inspired,” it can lead to these stretches of downtime when you’re just staring at the screen hoping the next sentence will pop into your head, and that, for me, is the biggest trichotillomania trigger.

But fight it I did, and slowly

January 2011

January 2011

they

March 2011

March 2011

began

December 2011

December 2011

to grow.

October 2012

October 2012

I’ve never mentioned it here, but overcoming my trichotillomania — and it’s a process, and I still relapse every now and then; I had a relapse last week — may be the biggest, definitely the most tangible accomplishment I’ve made regarding my mental health. I didn’t just squash the urge long enough for my eyebrows to grow out to a point where it made sense to shape them with tweezers; the resentment also somehow fizzled out, and so did my obsessiveness. I no longer hate my eyebrows; I’m not ashamed of them and I don’t want them to disappear. They’re unpredictable and annoying and the years of trich mean that they grow all over the place and I have little scars and wounds around them. It’s not very clean, and not having clear skin — there’s also the acne scarring — is my least favorite thing about my face.

But it’s different now. I don’t know why or how, but my trich feels different now. It doesn’t have the weight of self-doubt and resentment in it. It’s just a leftover compulsive urge to pull out my eyebrows when my hands are idle. I feel like that’s half the battle won, and it’s a part of it I didn’t even know I was fighting.

October 2013

October 2013

Have you ever experienced trich or any other compulsive disorders? I’d love to hear about it. It’s always great to know you’re not alone.

—

Further reading: How Modeling Helped My Trichotillomania — an update as of 2015/06

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27 Comments

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  • Arty

    This is something I have never heard of before. You’re so pretty Lix, I hope you don’t ever get the urge again!
    Can nail biting be categorized as a compulsive disorder? I grew up with this bad habit but thankfully I over came it.

    • Lix Hewett

      I hadn’t heard of it until it happened to me, either. My last relapse was actually like… three days ago, but I was able to pull myself together long enough to tweet about it, and once I tweeted about it (asking for someone to tell me to stop) I was able to get up and go wash my face and stop.

      Nail biting is an impulse control disorder, I think. A common one but still a disorder. I think it’s further from self-harm than trich and dermatillomania and that sort of thing because unless it’s really bad, you’re not hurting yourself, but it still sucks. I’m glad you were able to overcome it!

  • Laura (@lauranaut)

    I kinda suffer from dermatillomania, but idt it’s super severe. I can’t really tell tho, because I mostly pick at my scalp. Sometimes I’ll go at it for hours—out of habit, anxiety, or idleness idk anymore. tw? Occasionally I’ll draw blood :/

    • Lix Hewett

      I don’t know if my trich is particularly severe? I mean, I’ve seen people (when looking up trich) who pull out the hair on their head and it leads to bald patches and that must hurt a lot more than tugging out your eyebrows. I have a habit of picking at the skin on my lips sometimes and it sucks when I draw blood. I also used to pick at like zits or pimples or wounds or SOMEthing on the inside of my lobe and I drew blood and it was terrible, but I wasn’t aware enough of mental health issues then to put a name to it.

      Anyway, sorry you have to deal with that. :(

  • Asia @ The Cracked Lens

    Your eyebrows look fine!! I’m glad that you overcame the emotional part of it.

    • Lix Hewett

      Thanks. :)

  • AuntyMiff

    Oh wow, this was so interesting. Yours is one of my favourite blogs to read. Some of the hair on my head grows really wirey and course and my fingers wander my scalp pulling these hairs out. It’s something I don’t realise I’m doing until someone stops me, or asks me about it, or until I notice the pile of hair next to me.

    Thank you for your honesty, and I’m glad the impulse has lessened for you somewhat :) x

    • Lix Hewett

      Thank you so much for reading! I’m so glad my blog resonates with you. I’m always mostly conscious of what I’m doing when I have a trich episode, but it’s sort of like when anxiety flares up and I tell myself it doesn’t make any sense for me to be nervous and it doesn’t soothe me at all and the fact that my brain is not responding to logic makes me more nervous… i.e. I’m conscious that I’m doing something stupid but I can’t make it stop and that makes it feel all the worse. Sigh.

  • Sara Strauss

    I’m so proud of you for overcoming this! Go you!! You look pretty no matter what!
    ~Sara

    • Lix Hewett

      Thank you. <3

  • Katie Baker

    *hugs*

    I do things like clench my jaw and pinch my legs (sometimes punch them). It never feels that and yet . . .

    • Lix Hewett

      *hugs back*

      The leg thing does actually sound odd to me. Like I guess you could put it on par with cracking your bones/knuckles if you’re not bruising yourself or anything, but I don’t know.

  • Jessica

    Ugh Eyebrows. I have a giant scar through one of mine and it is one of my biggest insecurities. I learned how to fill it in pretty well but they still look different. I’m glad you overcame this, and your eyebrows are lovely! You can always fill them in a little to make them look fuller if you like (A LOT of people do this…seriously. Its totally normal, I promise).

    • Lix Hewett

      That reminds me of the first months I had trich, the couple of times that instead of my eyebrows looking like a deciduous tree after a winter storm, they just had bald spots.

      I actually saw a tutorial for filling in your eyebrows to give them shape and color and I’ve briefly considered it! I may try it sometime. The thing is I wanted my eyebrows to be as thin as possible so it’s taken me a long, long time to come around to the fact that eyebrows don’t have to be super thin to be pretty.

  • Harlynn

    You have gorgeous eyes! No eyebrows are even needed. You look fine with or without. c:

    <3
    Harlynn
    http://www.mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

  • A.

    you are beautiful and strong. :)

    don’t ever forget it.

  • CuddlyCacti

    this was really interesting to me. i just found out a friend’s little sister has this, she pulls our her eye lashes as well as eyebrows, which seems so painful to me but i realize it’s not like she tries to. anyway, i do bite my nails a lot but that’s pretty common so i guess nothing notable from me.that’s really wonderful you fought and overcame it.and yea… damn society beauty standards. in spain actually was the first time i ever started NOT wearing eye make-up every time i left the house bcuz ppl were so nice to me there when they first saw me w/out it, unlike reactions in the US.

    • CuddlyCacti

      which included on HS bf saying i looked stoned w/ no eye make-up and ppl always asking if i was tired… i have small eyes and blonde eye lashes, but now i rarely ever wear any make up at all.

  • Sasuka

    I have this problem myself I use to be ashamed of it but not so much anymore.
    when people knowtess or ask me “omg you have no eyebrows or eyelashes!” I feel a little odd but have learned its what it is and to not be ashamed of. I just tell people straight up, yep IV got a problem and I always say its something similar to biting your nails (so they understand because a lot of people bite there nails as well as myself)
    bit me myself IV learned to live with it somewhat its a little annoying at times and frustrating but I think accepting it is the best way to deal
    IV been pulling out my eyebrows and eyelashes since I was probably 8
    I am currently 17 so its been a long journey of having that facial hair then not

  • Ann Mathew

    Hallo Lix,
    I am dealing with this same problem since age 15. now i am 24. tried almost everything. but of no use. i pluck from my eye lashes too. i felt so sad and depressed at the time when all started, coz people used to recognize it. but then i started drawing using kajal or eyebrow stick. now i draw pretty well that people wont usually notices. but still there is always this odd look to my face, because there is no real hair anywhere on my face. some friends call me Mona Lisa ;).
    I used to always dream or imagine that one day i could stop pulling and i will have thick long eyebrows and eye lashes like Cara Delevingne.. :P. but by now i realize it may not happen, that its near to impossible for me to even have at least a little hair to let me go out without drawing.

    And as i know how difficult it is to break this habit or even not to pull for some time, i am really really really happy that you got a grip on it. i know how difficult it is to stop and how good you are feeling now as you got control of your habit. i always have this feeling that if i could get over this one bad habit or compulsion of mine i may be able to correct a lot of other aspects of my life. its like that ultimate self control or discipline that i always wants to achieve.
    i am so happy and proud of you for this read. you give me hope. the pictures were beautiful and so are you.

    with love ann

  • Claire Walton

    Lix, I find this almost quite offensive to women (and men) who actually do have trichotillomania, you pluck your eyebrows too much sometimes…so what?! Why do you insist on diagnosing yourself with 101 mental health problems, it’s so offensive it’s like when someone cleans the house once a day and says they have OCD. infuriating. Why you feel the need to also post about buzzing from your lorazepam (which only makes me question why… either you have a personality disorder…or have never taken lorazepam which is sedating….or both?!). Do you think being mentall unwell is cool or something?! because it’s not. I come from a family torn apart by a history of severe mental illness, being sectioned under the mental health act, police removals, being stuck in hospital for months without leave etc. please just stop it.

    • Lix Hewett

      I don’t pluck my eyebrows too much sometimes. I pull them out with my bare fingers when I’m under stress. Mental illness covers a whole spectrum of problems and this comment is frankly ridiculous? Lorazepam is a sedative which sometimes actually kicks in and makes me act kind of like I’m high. It does that. It’s not a guess, it’s a FACT. Kindly take your judgment elsewhere.

    • ra

      I can’t believe that you anyone would get offended by this. That is plain ignorant, and ridiculous. I also have had trichotillomania for YEARS and I pull my eyebrows out too, the same way she does. Mental illness is not cool. I would know, I have SEVERAL of them, diagnosed by doctors. You are not better than anyone, so don’t compare your problems to theirs. The fact that you think problems like this AREN’T mental disorders, shows that you don’t know very much about them.

  • Lisa Bonacci

    Hi Lix, thank you so much for writing this. For the last few years I’ve had issues with eyebrow pulling as well, I didn’t realize it had a name or that other people did it too. I’m able to stop myself right now from pulling all of them out, but I have large bare spots that I have to fill in with a pencil. How did you ultimately fight it?

    • Lix Hewett

      Hi Lisa! Thanks for commenting, I’m glad you found it helpful. I get that from so many people, and I was one of them myself – thinking I was the only one who had this thing and that it may not have a name.

      I fought it by identifying my triggers and eliminating them to the best of my ability, I think. The antidepressants helped calm my OCD symptoms (the hatred I felt for my eyebrows was one of them; being on antidepressants helps me not think about them as much), and I realized that I always ended pulling out my eyebrows when I was writing but not inspired to write – staring at a blank page. So I … kind of quit writing. Altogether. It was a good decision at the time, because writing was also stressing me out more than it was bringing me joy.

      I think those are the main things that truly helped out of the ones I tried. I’ve had people recommend I wear rings or something to play with, but that just never stuck.

  • Christianne Ormsby

    So I’ve had Trich for 17 years, and I’m only 26 =( . But, the first time since I was 9, I have been growing out my eyebrows. For 17 years I had absolutely no eyebrow hair. I’ve been pull free for about a month now (except for my eyelashes). It started by me buying an eyebrow wig. When it’s on I can’t pull out anything that grows from underneath it. I love it! In another month I should have my eyebrows again!
    Good job keeping up with this struggle!

  • Sara Kukkonen

    Thanks so much for sharing this! I’ve been struggling with trich for over 20 years (I’m 29). When I was growing up, my parents and teachers made it seem like a punishable act and would create reward systems for when I could go certain amounts of time without plucking. This only increased the amount of shame I already had about it. As I got older, I started wearing make-up to cover up what I thought was a hideous face, missing almost all of my eyelashes and most of my eyebrows. When I was 16, I was put on prozac, but that only made the problem worse. I eventually came to see it as a battle I could never win and accepted it as part of my life. The only problem with that is that I still don’t like how I look and use make-up to cover up my embarrassment. A few weeks ago I decided to talk to a counselor about it and she explained the theory behind cognitive behavioral therapy to me. I came to see that the act of plucking is actually an act of self-nurturing that I picked up as a kid for when I have anxiety (which is a lot). Now I don’t see it as the enemy and I therefore don’t see it as a battle. I still don’t like the consequences of this behavior, so I’m working to nurture myself in other ways and I’ve been doing a lot better.

Meet Lix

Welcome to my blog! I'm Lix: full-time graphic designer for bloggers and freelancers, and part-time photographer. I'm an unapologetic cat lady and perpetually angry feminist nightmare. I like attention and pretty things, and that's why I run a lifestyle blog. Learn more.
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