It’s a boring explanation for the radio silence around these parts, but it’s all I’ve got. I’m doing oddly well since mid last week — since my landlady left, not a coincidence: I am what I am — and I maybe recklessly decided to try going clean of antidepressants. Part of it comes from the fact that I started doing well after reducing my dosage, and part of it is plain old fear of trying mirtazapine.
Oh, I made rent, by the way. Forgot to post about that. With a little help from my family and my friends, I made rent. I’m covered until August 17. I can potentially stay here till September 17, and in the bigger room at that — which I admit I moved into before getting explicit permission. It just seems ridiculous not to use it when it’s going to be vacant anyway and there’s no one else around. My flatmate (of sorts) left yesterday, and landlady and husband will be in Turkey till mid August. Her daughter will be popping in every now and then, and she did yesterday and actually really pissed me off for absolutely no reason. I just don’t deal well with unexpected people. I had plans! Plans to be alone! She was here for like fifteen minutes and it was long enough to realize that somehow the nondelivery slip for a parcel for my landlady had vanished, because I swear to god there are fucking ghosts or leprechauns or a fucking black hole in this flat. First my box from a client disappeared, then this, and now I can’t find my pink t-shirt (the one with the mock old-timey telegraph thing that says Payson on it and therefore I call my Payson Keeler t-shirt, which means I am very fond of it) or my black pen. I’ve looked everywhere. Lost things are my main source of stress right now even though none of it is particularly valuable or irreplaceable. I just don’t lose things. I know where I put things. So where the fuck did they go?
My second source of stress is being alone in this flat, which is weird because I was alone in Streatham for a week with a kitten and I was totally fine. I’m mostly fine here, too, except when I’m not. But I’m weaning off my meds and I choked on lettuce like the amazing human being I am this afternoon, and the whole situation has put a damper on things.
Also, I keep having strong feelings, and it’s frankly quite disturbing. I genuinely like being mostly stable. I miss my cat enough when I’m on antidepressants, y’all. Today it hurt.
The thing about the mirtazapine is it’s supposed to help me sleep better, be more motivated, and eat more. And I don’t want to spend more money on food than I already do, and what if it doesn’t work for my motivation? What if I go back to oversleeping now that I’m managing to get up before 10? And what if it does work? What if it works in a way that I really feel the effect of? What if it makes me properly functional? Will I ever want to quit then? It took me ages to decide to switch from paroxetine even though paroxetine never had a massive effect on me other than hugely dulling my sex drive. My sex drive which by the way I felt lost without when it first went into its hundred-month sleep but I now dread getting back, because it’s exhausting and distracting and annoying, and I don’t need it.
So I’m feeding it fanfic but only at night. I’m feeding my heart fanfic really. I’m trying this thing where I work on regular client stuff in the morning and then I’m free to edit pictures and blog from 5 to 8 at Starbucks and then I can, whatever, read, go to sleep, watch stuff. I’m thinking about rewatching Make It Or Break It, actually, I miss Payson. And I can take weekends off. I did the weekend off thing the weekend before last, but this weekend got dragged into a terrible project and I think my schedule is still reeling a bit. But I’m trying. I didn’t get much done today, but I did organize a lot, and put away a lot of information about projects. I also took loads of photos of books. Working on renaming and reorganizing my blog categories as well, thinking about redesigning a bit. I have a lot to post, a lot of pictures, and I want to give them more room but also make the blog spark a bit more. More color in my life, more color on my blog!
But I don’t want to just disappear while I do that, and I don’t want to not post, either! So here’s an update to say that my life is a construction zone, and hopefully I’ll make it out the other side alive. Cross your fingers for me.