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Diaries Life + Style

Life / Where The Fuck Have I Been

posted on February 24, 2017

A great question, self! Or not so much, geographically speaking. My next-to-last post was written on a window seat in the eastern aisle at the Victoria & Albert Museum; I told my friend to go walk around as I already have plenty of photos of the outside of the Natural History Museum, and sat down to try and make some cash. A few days later I went home and that was that.

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In late December, I got my room back. In January, I adapted to it, which took longer than expected due to a bout of depression. And while I’m always open to photography gigs anywhere, provided travel expenses are paid, other than that I’m staying put for at least nine months, one of which has passed, another one of which is passing terribly quickly, goddamn, February, why are you this way, and I’m trying to get a goddamn grip.

It’s clearly not the easiest.

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There’s a lot of photos — some edited, some not. Last year I traveled a lot, trying to get away from sharing a room with my sister. I visited three times as many countries in six months as I had in the previous 26 years. I turned 27 on a flight from Lisbon to London. I had some more duck. I had avocado. I had pheasant. I did a boudoir shoot. In July, in one week, I did five portrait shoots. In September, I real-life-met a friend I’d met online ten years ago, and did her engagement shoot at Zwarte Haan. I went to Paris because it was the cheapest way to get home.

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I’ve alienated a lot of people, too. I’m learning to learn what I can and move on.

I designed a resume and had it adapted — loosely — to Word for an agency; it was interesting trying to get it to look good in an application I very rarely use, and a good experience really working with a team there and letting them interpret. I like what they came up with.

I updated my media kit, and I’m finishing up a client’s from a long time ago. I have a few other things I owe. A lot of things. My parents are off unemployment benefits and that’s one of the reasons I went into a deep depression last month. I’m 27 but I’m not ready. I’m not good enough. I do good work but — I do it so sporadically, I take so long, I’m so unreliable. Of course I know these things. Of course I’m working on them. Of course they hurt all along.

But I’ve always loved this blog. I love showing off my work; I love the opportunities; I love the design and the honesty I’m able to promote. I’ve long wanted to be consistent and failed but maybe I just need to restructure my schedule a little bit, not do more but do better.

Not do more but do better all around.

It’s another way of protecting myself, and I made that my phrase of the year for a reason.

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1 Comment

« Anxiety & Depression: A Three-Month Sampling
COLLECTED / I Hate Summer, I Will Never Like Summer, Let’s Fast-Forward »
  • Jen Hsieh

    I don’t know how it’s taken this long for me to comment on these past two incredibly heartfelt posts of yours, but it’s better late than never. I’m sending loads of good vibes your way and I hope you’re finding new ways to fight your anxiety and depression. While I haven’t suffered from either myself, I’ve had really close friends who have, and I know it took me a really long time to truly understand what either encompassed and how it could vary so drastically from person-to-person. So posts like yours that give a really personal look into your experience are really eye-opening. Like, MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN and absorbing it all and if you ever need support from across the Atlantic, let me know.

    Now that a few more months have passed, I hope you’ve been kicking ass on the “Not do more but do better” phrase, because it’s a damn good one. I feel like it’s one that so many people can relate to, but not enough people follow through on. I often feel like I’m really good at half-assing a lot of things, so lately I decided that I need close my Etsy Shop because it really is (literal) crap and it’s not sustainable for the long-run. But there are so many other things I’m too stubborn to let die.

    I’ve always loved reading your blog the most out of anyone I know because of how much depth and honesty you show (I mean come on – all I write about is the fucking weather). Fingers crossed that you manage to keep the flame burning under this bad boy.

Meet Lix

Welcome to my blog! I'm Lix: full-time graphic designer for bloggers and freelancers, and part-time photographer. I'm an unapologetic cat lady and perpetually angry feminist nightmare. I like attention and pretty things, and that's why I run a lifestyle blog. Learn more.
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