It hasn’t been a good week for my mental health.
I’ve felt a little disconnected from the blog all week, which is probably an extension of that. Monday and Tuesday were the worst — I-need-lorazepam-and-I-need-it-now bad. Wednesday was a little better, and yesterday was pretty bad again; I ended up in my pjs in bed at 11 PM, eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching podium training videos from the World Gymnastics Championships on youtube. (Women’s all-around final tonight! I’m finding a live stream for that in case there isn’t a proper good-quality youtube upload later. Just need to remember it’s on. I’m not good at catching things in real time.) Before that, I spent a good ten minutes hugging my mom.
I’m just frustrated about my lack of alone time. It feels like every time I find myself moving forward, my sister shows up to drag me back down. She doesn’t understand that I need large amounts of alone time to focus on my work, and neither do my parents — though, to be fair, my mom tries, whereas my father seems to butt in solely to tell me how useless and selfish I am. He says things to “defend” my sister where the only possible response is, What the fuck are you talking about? This has nothing to do with what you’re saying!
By the time I’m finally alone, I’m so upset I can’t focus on anything. It’s absolutely worthless. There’s the one shortcut, which is pulling out a nail polish bottle, but then my sister goes ballistic, which can be upsetting as well depending on what she picks up and throws to the floor and depending on how my parents react. Besides, half the time I feel guilty about resorting to something that she obviously hates so much.
It might be easier if I were taking advantage of my mornings, when my sister is at school, but I haven’t got up before noon once this week, and it’s not for lack of motivation or wanting to or enjoying sleeping in the morning. Sleeping in, for me, means nightmares. This morning, I dreamed that I was sharing a room not with my sister, but with a psychotic cannibalistic serial killer who’d just been released from prison. My brain thinks it’s so funny, you guys. It’s a fucking riot up in here.
There’s the option of heading to the library with my laptop, and I do want to do that at some point, even if I have to hide in my dragonslayer hat to do it. It’s just not home where I’m comfortable and I have all my stuff and a kitchen and a bathroom and I don’t have to drag myself there. I can barely get out of bed in the morning as it is!
Whine, whine, growl. My cat gave me a belly massage (no claws! soft-paw kneading!) this morning. What has your pet done for you lately?